SPAM
by suzie2b
Summary: Enough said.


**Disclaimer:** _ **The Rat Patrol**_ **is not my property. They come out to play sometimes, then I send them home.**

 **Author's note: Today, worldwide, 264 cans of Spam are eaten every minute of every day. And yes, I do like Spam.**

 **SPAM**

 **By Suzie2b**

 **The Rat Patrol had spent two and a half days getting a supply convoy to the 12** **th** **Infantry and Armored Battalion. It had been a long trip punctuated by German patrols and a four hour sand storm. However, the convoy and their escorts arrived at their destination unscathed.**

 **After reporting to Lt. Col. Vernon, Troy, Moffitt, Hitch, and Tully got their tent assignment. With packs in hand, they took showers and put on clean uniforms before heading to the mess tent for something to eat.**

 **They walked into the mostly empty mess tent and went to check out what was available. The cook on duty told them, "Lunch was finished a couple of hours ago. There's not much left."**

 **Troy said, "As long as it doesn't have sand in it, we'll eat it."**

 **They were presented with lukewarm fried spam, white bread, cheese, and condiments. The cook also had a jar of pickles, leftover macaroni and cheese, and cookies for them.**

 **The four Allies sat down with their bounty and began to build sandwiches. Hitch smeared ketchup liberally between two thick slices of fried spam before placing them on bread, added cheese, and took a bite. Tully, on the other hand, preferred mustard—any kind of mustard—with his spam. He coated one side of each slice of bread with the yellow condiment, added a piece of spam, sliced a pickle to put on top, and then added cheese.**

 **Troy and Moffitt watched, amused at how the privates made sandwich making more of an art than lunch. Troy grinned and said, "It's always the same with you two."**

 **Hitch mumbled around another bite, "What?"**

" **You and your ketchup, which you spread on the meat instead of the bread…"**

 **Hitch swallowed. "That way the bread doesn't get soggy."**

 **Moffitt smiled. "Tully and his mustard on both slices of bread along with pickle between meat and cheese."**

 **Tully swallowed a spoonful of macaroni and said, "I like mustard. I grew up with pickles on the side; Charley likes 'em on the sandwich. Turns out they're good that way too."**

 **Hitch asked, "What does SPAM mean?"**

" **It's short for** **'spiced ham'. At least that's what my mother told me once."**

 **Moffitt, for once, didn't have all the answers. "Huh, I never would've guessed." The others looked at him with disbelief and Moffitt shrugged as he said, "It is an American invention after all."**

 **Troy grinned. "Okay, country boy, what's spam made of?"**

 **Tully said, "The unwanted part of a pig's shoulder. According to a magazine article I read it's too fatty to be sold as ham, not fatty enough to be sold as bacon. The shoulders couldn't be sold and were piling up in Hormel's huge freezers, so someone came up with the idea to grind 'em up, add some spices, and pack it into cans."**

 **Hitch said, "I know it lasts almost forever. That's why it's become so popular with the troops."**

" **And you can eat it cooked or not."**

 **Troy said, "I think I prefer it cooked … especially if it's mixed with lima beans or eggs."**

 **Moffitt said, "I have to admit, it's an acquired taste. The first time I was given spam I actually wondered if it was rat meat and wouldn't touch it until I was told it was really processed pork. However, I've gotten used to it and I've found that it's really quite tasty fried."**

" **Especially since you discovered it isn't made of rats."**

" **That information was definitely a plus in my book."**

 **Hitch said, "I'd never had it until I got out here. I remember seeing it in the grocery store, but my mom didn't want anything to do with it. She considers it 'poor man's food'."**

 **Troy sipped his coffee, then said, "We always had spam in our house."**

 **Tully nodded. "We did to. My mom used it in a lot of her recipes."**

 **Hitch reached for a cookie. "When are we going to start back to base, sarge?"**

 **Troy said, "We don't have to escort the trucks back, so we'll head out sometime tomorrow morning."**

 **Tully picked up another piece of spam and smeared mustard on it before he took a bite.**

 **Hitch watched his friend, then said, "Ketchup is better."**

" **That's good for hotdogs, but it's too sweet for spam. Hot sauce it good too."**

 **Hitch made a face and said, "Hot sauce? Eew!"**

 **Tully wiped mustard off the corner of his mouth with a grin. "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."**

 **Troy smiled. "Well, I have a report to write, so I'll see you all later."**

 **Moffitt said, "I heard someone mention a barber while we were in the showers. I believe I'll go find him."**

 **Troy looked at his privates and tried to look serious. "Think you two can stay out of trouble?"**

 **Hitch smiled. "Of course we can, sarge."**

 **#################**

 **The next morning, after a breakfast of diced spam in scrambled eggs, slices of fried spam on the side, and biscuits, Troy and Moffitt met Hitch and Tully at the motor pool.**

 **Tully dropped Olive's hood. "Mornin'."**

 **Troy gave a nod of acknowledgement and said, "Ready to go?"**

 **Hitch said, "All set, sarge."**

 **Moffitt was walking around the back of the jeep, when he spotted two cases labeled SPAM. "Tully, why are there cases of spam in the jeep?"**

 **Tully grinned. "We heard someone complaining about all the spam they'd been eating lately. The cook said that supply keeps sending cases of it and now they have more then they know what to do with."**

 **Hitch added, "We offered to take some off his hands and he told us to take as much as we wanted. Tully and I each grabbed two cases."**

 **Troy asked, "And why do we need four cases of spam?"**

" **It'll come in handy to supplement the other rations."**

 **Tully nodded. "We sure won't go hungry."**

 **Troy shook his head with a sigh. "Okay, let's shake it."**

 **#################**

 **They were skimming easily over the sand in a general direction that would take them back to Ras Tanura, when Troy had Hitch halt. As Tully pulled up next to them, Troy took the binoculars and stood up on the seat.**

 **Moffitt asked, "What is it, Troy?"**

" **I saw some kind of reflection." Troy scanned the horizon while his counterpart stood up with his own binoculars, then pointed and said, "There … maybe five miles out."**

 **Moffitt took a look and said, "Looks like a German patrol."**

 **Hitch asked, "Do you want to go harass them, sarge?"**

 **Troy said, "Not this time. Let's head north for a while and go around them."**

 **As the Rat Patrol turned north, they didn't realize the Germans had seen them too and were turning to follow.**

 **An hour later the jeeps ducked into the cover of a waterhole to let the jeeps cool down. Tully put the hoods up on both jeeps before going to get a jerry can of gas. Troy, Moffitt, and Hitch were at the well filling canteens water cans.**

 **Tully checked over Olive's engine and filled the gas tank. After he dropped the hood, he went to repeat the process with Bertha. Tully was at the back of the jeep, unlashing the gas can when he heard it. A shell whistled overhead and landed just close enough to flip Bertha onto her side.**

 **Troy, Moffitt, and Hitch looked up when they too heard the tank shell, then could only watch as the jeep flipped up and landed on its side. As sand and debris showered down, they couldn't see Tully anywhere. The three of them ducked behind the well and waited for another shot to sail into the waterhole. But nothing happened.**

 **Troy and Moffitt drew their pistols and peeked over the well. Troy whispered, "See anyone?"**

 **Moffitt shook his head. "Nothing yet."**

 **Hitch was staying low and looking around the well to try to find Tully. The dust cleared and Hitch finally saw him. "Tully's trapped under the jeep!"**

 **Tully sat up slowly and shook his head, sending sand flying from his hair. He quickly took stock of his situation. His legs were stuck, but they didn't feel broken. Then he looked around for his friends. However, he couldn't turn far enough to see the well. Tully called, "Sarge, you guys okay?"**

 **Troy replied, "Yeah, Tully, we're good! How're you doing?"**

" **Can't move! Don't think my legs are broken though!"**

 **A rifle shot ricocheted off the jeep and Troy hollered, "Keep your head down! We'll come to you!"**

 **Hitch was frustrated when he said, "I knew I should've grabbed a machine gun!" Several shots hit the well, sending chunks of stone flying. "How are we gonna get out there?"**

 **Moffitt said, "We may not be able to see them, but we know where the bullets are coming from. If I make a break for the jeeps…"**

 **Hitch shook his head. "No, you and Troy have the guns. You can lay down cover fire while I go."**

 **Moffitt put his pistol in the private's hand. "It's my idea, I'll go."**

" **But…"**

 **Moffitt gave the private his extra clip and said, "Don't argue. I don't want to make it an order."**

 **Hitch looked at Troy, who said to Moffitt, "Stay low. We'll do our best to cover you."**

 **#################**

 **Tully heard bullets ricochet off the jeep and well behind him. He seemed to be in a good spot with the jeep shielding him. He looked around and spotted one of the machine guns that had been thrown from its holster. Tully stretched as far as he could, but the gun was just out of his reach. When he sat back up, he saw a German soldier trying to sneak around Olive to get to him. Tully could hear Troy and Moffitt's pistols as he searched what was left in the back of the jeep for anything he could use as a weapon. That's when he saw one of the cases of spam had broken open.**

 **Tully grabbed one of the cans and waited for the right moment. When the German was in range and was bringing his rifle up to take aim at him, Tully chucked the can as hard as he could. He grinned when it hit the German in the shoulder, forcing his aim off as he pulled the trigger.**

 **Moffitt grabbed the machine gun that Tully couldn't reach and shot the German before he ducked down next to his friend. "Good throw."**

 **Tully said, "Thanks. You shouldn't be out here, sarge, but I'm sure glad you are."**

 **Moffitt smiled slightly as he said, "I thought you might need a little help, but I see you have things under control."**

 **Tully snatched up another can of spam and took aim at another sneaky German. This time he hit the enemy in the head. The German fell like a rock. "Do you think you can get me outta here, sarge?"**

 **Moffitt handed the private the machine gun. "I'm going to give it my best try, Tully."**

 **#################**

 **Troy and Hitch were relieved when they saw Moffitt make to Tully in one piece. Hitch asked, "Now what?"**

 **Troy said, "We do our best to keep the Germans off them while Moffitt digs Tully out."**

 **They watched as Moffitt dug with his hands, but for every bit of progress he made loose sand slipped in to fill the hole.**

 **Tully kept his eyes open for more Germans, which there were plenty of. He heard Troy and Hitch fire off more shots and took out two more himself before the gun jammed. Tully dropped it and quickly grabbed cans of spam to pitch at any German that came within range.**

 **Frustrated, Moffitt stopped digging and looked for something that would help. What he found was a canvas bag of grenades. He smiled as he grabbed the bag and pulled it to him. Without a word, Moffitt took a grenade, pulled the pen, and lobbed it over the jeep.**

 **Between the shooting, grenades, and deadly spam cans, the Germans wondered when they'd lost control of the situation. It wasn't long before they decided the four Allies weren't worth the losses they were incurring.**

 **As soon as what was left of the German patrol was on their way, Troy and Hitch ran to join Moffitt and Tully. Moffitt answered before the question could be asked, "The sand's too loose to dig him out."**

 **Troy said, "Okay, Hitch, pull the other jeep around and get the rope."**

 **With one end of the rope tied to Bertha and the other tied to Olive, Hitch accelerated slowly. As Bertha began to move, Troy and Moffitt grabbed Tully under the arms and pulled him out as soon as the weight was off his legs.**

 **Once the jeep was back on her wheels, Hitch hurried to check on his friend.**

 **Moffitt was checking Tully's legs and said, "I don't feel anything broken. How do they feel?"**

 **Tully sighed. "A little sore."**

 **Moffitt reached down and said, "Let's get you up and see if you can stand."**

 **Tully grabbed Moffitt's hand and Hitch stepped up to take his other. They got Tully on his feet and he said, "I feel a little wobbly, but there's no pain."**

 **Troy sighed with relief. "All right, get Tully into a passenger seat and we'll pick up this mess."**

 **Moffitt went with Tully to their jeep and the private gingerly crawled in. "I'm not getting an argument. Are you sure you're all right?"**

 **Tully nodded. "To be honest, I'm kinda shaky and my legs are starting to feel like some nice bruises are coming in."**

" **You just relax. We'll be on our way soon."**

 **Troy and Hitch had started picking up the scattered supplies while Moffitt untied the rope and began to coil it up. Hitch had picked up at least a dozen cans of spam and put them, along with the other loose cans, back in the case.**

 **Troy set a box of 50 caliber ammo in the back and said, "I guess it was a good thing you and Tully picked up that spam after all."**

 **Hitch grinned. "Yeah, didn't I say it would come in handy?"**

 **Troy chuckled. "That you did, Hitch, that you did."**


End file.
